Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Just Write - Heart outside my body

This blog is part of Just Write, a free style writing exercise meant to encourage you to simply write without too much thought, over-analysis or correction. You're simply supposed to let the words flow. It's interesting what you come up with. Keep this all in mind and enjoy :-)

Now that I have a kid, it's been really hard to watch movies.

Not literally. Well, I mean, yes, it's been hard to squeeze in a feature-length film without it being interrupted by a feeding. But that's not what I mean.

Like, every time I watch a movie and a character struggles, I just die. I picture it being my son needing help or being sad or lonely, and it takes all I have to remind myself that that my baby is actually safe in his crib in his bedroom. Is that pretty ridiculous?

Seriously, I was watching Free Willy tonight and in the scene where Willy is supposed to do his show while all the kids are pounding on the glass and he's lonely and defeated, all I wanted to do was grab Caleb out of his crib to let him know I'm here. Willy is a freaking orca whale. He's not even a human. Yet, here I am just tearing up because all I can think about is Caleb feeling all those things and I hate it.

I can't even imagine what it's going to be like when he gets bigger and is actually feeling those things and that there will be nothing I can do. Like, if he feels left out on the playground, frustrated because he can't do something as well as he wants or is brokenhearted.
I guess even the last couple days, I'm getting a hint of what it will feel like down the road.

Case and point... C is learning to roll over right now. This week we found him lying in his crib on his back after a nap (and we put him down on his tummy). The next day, he rolled over for me while we were playing on his mat. And, now the last couple days he's done it several times again. But, he still struggles sometimes.

He gets the gist of it... but he hasn't gotten it down to the point where he can do it whenever he wants. So, we lay there, on the floor, cheering him on. And he twists and rolls and contorts his little body to try and get it to cooperate with what he wants it to do. He gets frustrated and cries and then lays there defeated. Even as his mama, I can't make his body do that for him. But, it kills me that I can't make him happy and give him what he wants.
It just amazes me how as a mother your heart can hurt so wholly for your child. How you'd do whatever it takes to take away their pain or give them everything they want. Yes, obviously I understood that this was going to be part of the job, but I don't think you can fathom how deeply you feel for your child until you have one of your own.

It's just like he's my own heart, walking around, outside my body. My little Caleb.


  1. I totally have this same issue with movies. And the news, especially the news. I can't watch or read anything without my mama heart bleeding a little. It's a gift to feel this much, but it takes a lot of getting used to, that's for sure!

    1. Yes, I guess I didn't realize it would affect so many other areas of my life! Definitely something to get used to :-)


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