Talking About Homemaking — or the Lack Thereof

Hello. I don't like housework.

Do any of y'all ever feel like a crappy wife? Like, the type of wife who doesn't clean enough, cook enough, (ehem) love enough, child care enough, support enough? The type of wife who's lazy? Basically a failure at homemaking/husband pleasing?

Man, while I know it's (mostly) the devil throwing lies at my weak self-confidence zone, this feeling has been hitting me like a ton of bricks for the last two weeks around basically every. single. corner. 

Here's the problem. It's not all lies. 

As much as I would like to place full blame on devil in this circumstance, I also know that part of it is just real-life conviction. While "lazy" might be too harsh a word to describe it, I know that I'm not the most motivated wife/homemaker on the block. In most areas. OK. In all areas.

When it comes to heavy-duty housework (read: scrubbing and more than just a once-over), I really only do it when I'm under pressure — like, "oh, someone's coming over" sort of pressure. When it comes to meal planning and making sure the meals I put on the table are more often fresh and healthy than frozen pizza, I literally have to force myself to sit down and do it — and even then, it's a chore. And, while I love being a mom and taking care of my C-man, there are some days we stay home because the thought of getting everything together to drive to the park just sounds like a lot.

And I ask myself, why is it, that after growing up with a mom who had us cleaning the house every Saturday and home-cooked meals on the table almost every night of the week, I can't find the motivation in my body to make sure my family has the same? 

Don't get me wrong, we aren't living in filth, we aren't starving and our quality of life is still rather high — despite my seeming inability to homemake effectively. The house gets picked up every night after C goes to bed and the toilets aren't covered in grime. Our laundry (while it may remain in the basket — unfolded — for days at a time) gets washed and everyone in the house eats three meals a day. 

My problem is that I simply enjoy having nap time all to myself. That's really the big chunk of time I have to clean and meal-plan without interruption, and I'd rather sip coffee and watch my DVR. And, when Jon's home and helping with C-duty, we're usually all hanging together or tag-teaming so that one or the other of us can enjoy some free time. And, uh, who wants to clean during free time?

It could also be that I feel like, despite how much I clean, our apartment is always cluttered and messy simply because of it's size and the fact that we have a toddler. So, what's the point, right?

Jon is very good to remind me that I don't suck as a wife. Last night, I had a breakdown about it — which I blame on pregnancy hormones — and he hugged me and, in so many words, told me that I was wrong to think that. Probably because I told him that I wouldn't blame him if he left me for another woman. (I can be highly dramatic like that when hopped up on pregnancy.)

My friends, my attitude needs to change. I think I need to understand that while being a stay-at-home mom/homemaker is a blessing, it's also partially my job. And, let's face it... sometimes jobs involve things you don't want to do or like to do. That includes taking 25 minutes out of nap time to clean the bathroom. Or, to chop of veggies for that night's dinner. Or to dust.

And while that doesn't necessarily sound fun to me, I think it's kind of like working out in that while I may not like doing it, it will make me feel so much better about myself at the end of the day. It will erase those feelings of guilt about not doing my "job" adequately and give me the tools to fend off any thoughts that are trying to convince me I suck as a wife.

OK. Don't take this as me telling myself that as a hard-working mother of a toddler I don't deserve any grace or free time. No. This just means I'm going to try to balance the interruption-free time a little better between my duties of a homemaker and relaxation.

Thanks for basically listening to me think out loud. If you made it this far. 

PS I bought four pairs of TOMS on Zulily yesterday. Two for C and two for gifts. This is irrelevant, but I'm so excited about it that it's quite sad.